Memoirs of an Ex-English Teacher

This is an oldie, but a goodie. I guess it speaks as to why I'm no longer a high school English teacher. From this week's inbox:

Analogies, similes & metaphors found in high school essays

~ Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

~ He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

~ She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

~ Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

~ He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

~ Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

~ Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

~ John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

~ He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

~ The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

~ The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

~ The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

~ She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

~ It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

~ He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

Happy 4th of July, I think.

It's been quite a fun couple of days. I say that with a bit of sarcasm in my voice, which of course, you can't hear. Our little Kennedy has become a little wimp when it comes to, well, just about everything. Yesterday, we went to some friends house for a neighborhood BBQ. They had a fun blowup water slide that Kennedy wouldn't even come close to going down. She would barely get in the little pool set up for the babies. She and Alex had fun on the swings, at least. The party was really fun anyway and it was great to get to know some of our neighbors better.

After the BBQ we headed over to the famous Dick Engar "Culdesac of
Fire": an evening of local bands, ice cream, and fireworks. When we arrived, they weren't even setting off the real fireworks, just some of the small ones for the kids. You guessed it, Kennedy had a meltdown, right there in the street. Screaming at the top of her lungs, she yelled "I want to go home!" The entire crowd looked at us like we were the worst parents ever. Of course, some of our friends were nice enough to take pictures of Kennedy as she threw her little fit. They thought it was quite funny. It was a pretty impressive fit though, as you could even hear Kennedy over Dick's loud band singing Beatles' tunes. So, we packed up, headed home and put the kids in bed.

Today hasn't been much better. We spent the morning at the 10th ward breakfast with Evan and Alicia and the kids. They had the cutest little train taking kids for rides. The second I tried to put Kennedy into the train, you guessed it, total meltdown. Once again, several looks of "what kind of parents are you" and we packed up and went home.

Tonight, we were debating about trying to go to a fireworks show. Kennedy has enjoyed fireworks in the past and we thought if she saw the big ones with all the colors, she might be okay. The country club puts on a little show and we thought about walking down the street to watch. So we were outside playing before the fireworks started. Some neighbors a few blocks down set off some fireworks and once again, we were done. Kennedy wanted nothing to do with the loud noises and into the house we went. As we were getting her to bed, she decided to watch the show from her window, where it was safe from the noise. She liked the pretty colors and was sad when they were over. Maybe next year she will make it outside to watch the fireworks. Happy 4th of July, everyone.

Movie Review: Ratatouille

I probably shouldn't even call this post a movie review, since I didn't really see much of Ratatouille. Let's start off with trying to even see the film. With a day off I decided it was time to take my daughter to the movies. Of course every other parent in Salt Lake had the same plan. We tried to get into the 12 pm show at the Holiday Center only to find a line stretching around the block. No matter, there's always the Union Heights theater and they'll have it on two screens. We arrived 30 minutes early to find that both were sold out as well. Rather than give up we went back to Holiday and bought tickets to the 2:30 show. Since it was only 1 pm the line hadn't arrived yet, but we had an hour to kill so we walked over the McDonald's and bought a Happy Meal. I don't know if that's the right mood for the day we'd had up to this point.

Around 2 pm we headed back to the theater and stood in line for 10 minutes before we could get our seats. I've never seen a movie as packed as this one. Like you can imagine for every one adult there were three kids. You can tell I'm new to the kids flicks because I'm still not used to it. Anyway, the movie started and Kennedy was engrossed. It's a cute movie. Like all the other Pixar films, there's as much for the adults as the kids. About the only thing that takes some getting used to is the idea of a rat cooking your food. I don't know about you, but most of the rats I've seen having been the cleanest of rodents (if there is such a thing as a clean rodent).

As the film progressed I could tell that Kennedy was beginning to lose interest. We haven't gone to very many movies at the theater and I think she's still not into the whole experience. About the only thing that kept her going was the bucket of popcorn. Once it was out, we were in trouble. We left the movie twice, once for the potty and once for a drink, but I knew it was simply a matter of a bored two-year-old. With about 10 minutes left in the movie, Kennedy was done. In fact, she proudly declared that she would "rather go home and take a nap" than to finish watching Ratatouille. Rather than fight, I gave in and we left early. I'm not even sure how the movie ended, but I enjoyed the little I saw of it. I guess I'll have to wait until Ratatouille is out on DVD and we watch it 1000 times a month.

Before and After

The Garden

The Dog Run

The Look

Movie Review: Pirates of the Caribbean 3 - At World's End

A couple of weeks ago I saw Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End with Jason and Coleton. Let's just say I wasn't very impressed. In fact, I didn't even want to write a review about the movie cause I had too many bad things to say. My problem is solved. Ask a Ninja did a review of Pirates 3 and he said it all!