I received this email earlier today and thought it was too good not to share. You've got to love life in Utah.
SLC Barbie
Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Salt Lake City market:
" Park City Barbie"
She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a million dollar home. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.
"Draper Barbie"
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation.Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.
" Kearns Barbie"
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is onlyavailable after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
"East Bench Barbie"
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
"Riverton Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
" Emigration Canyon Barbie"
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as newly built high rise condo.
"Tooele Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Butler Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.
" The Avenues Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Avenues Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
" West Valley Barbie"
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and 2 infant dolls. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. White boy Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
" Provo Barbie"
She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's always at church meetings.
We've set up a little system for sleeping through the night. We no longer go to her in the middle of the night when she has a nocturnal milk fetish. It's not that we don't care, we simply need to regain the routine we had a few months ago. Bad parents, I hear from the peanut gallery. Maybe. Still we're trying to help Kennedy take control over certain parts of her life. In addition to sleeping through the night, hitting other people and using the potty have been issues of late. With all this in mind, we created the "Kennedy's Big Girl Chart."
Every time Kennedy 1)Sleeps through the night 2)Uses the potty 3)Plays with other kids without hitting them - she earns a sticker. Five stickers in any one category and she earns a reward. So far we've met some mixed results. No stickers yet in the potty and pounding categories, but she has earned four stickers for nighttime tranquility. The fourth sticker was earned last week and you wouldn't believe how proud little DeDe was of her accomplishment. "I slept through the night" was becoming our new mantra. Still, it's been three days since the last sticker and we haven't gotten there yet. I will say that progress is slow (we didn't make it again last night), but we're still hoping one day we're off the charts!
